I’ve really enjoyed the conversations I’ve been having with my partner lately.
We’ve been together a long time, so talking to each other is hardly unusual. But something about our conversations over the last few days has felt different. They’ve felt easier. Calmer. I’ve come away from them feeling good rather than still thinking about what I wanted to say.
I don’t think we suddenly have better things to talk about. We haven’t started agreeing on everything either.
If anything, I’m beginning to think the difference is that we’re both giving each other a little more room to speak.
We don’t have to agree
It sounds so simple when I put it like that.
One person talks. The other listens. Then the other person gets their turn.
Real conversations aren’t quite that tidy, especially with someone you’ve known for years. You know each other’s opinions. You can sometimes predict what the other person is going to say before they’ve finished saying it. It can be tempting to respond to the thought you think is coming rather than wait to hear the rest of it.
Lately, I’ve noticed that we’re both trying a little harder not to do that.
And something else seems to be happening at the same time. There is less need to make the other person agree.
I can listen to what he thinks and still think something different. He can do the same with me. Sometimes one of us might change our mind or see something differently after talking about it, but that doesn’t have to be the purpose of the conversation.
There’s something surprisingly freeing about that.
Listening is more than staying quiet
I’m also becoming more aware that giving someone space to talk isn’t simply a matter of not interrupting them.
We say quite a lot without actually saying anything. A facial expression, a change in tone or a small reaction can tell the person speaking that we’ve already made up our mind about what they’re saying.
I know how quickly that can change the way a conversation feels.
So I’ve been thinking more about the difference between listening to someone and waiting for my opportunity to respond. I’m trying to hear the whole thought before deciding what I think about it.
I think we’re both trying.
We won’t get it right every time. I’m not sure anybody does, particularly with the people we’re most comfortable with. But perhaps noticing it is already making a difference.
The part I didn’t expect
What I hadn’t expected was the sense of peace that has come with it.
I used to think peaceful conversations probably meant conversations where there wasn’t much disagreement. Now I’m not so sure.
Over the last few days, we’ve talked about all sorts of things. We haven’t shared exactly the same opinion on all of them. But being able to say what we think, and giving the other person the same opportunity, seems to take something out of the disagreement. It doesn’t automatically become something that needs to be won or resolved.
Sometimes it can simply be two people seeing something differently.
And once something has been said and genuinely heard, there doesn’t seem to be as much left hanging around afterwards.
Maybe that’s what I’ve been noticing.
The conversations themselves have been enjoyable, but so has the feeling after them. There’s no sense that one of us needed to have the final word. We talked, we listened, and we understood a little more about what was going on in the other person’s head.
For two people who have known each other for a long time, you might think there wouldn’t be that much left to discover.
Apparently, there is.
